RandomTableMadness

Random Table Madness

In the vein of RedFox and braincraft's random generators for Exalted, I give you the Exalted Random Event Generator v1.1 (Solars Only), for use by desperate and/or exhausted GMs. Just roll, follow the results, and in minutes you'll have the foundations of a session that the players will probably be able to rip to shreds in seconds. But then you can always roll again.

This product and/or service borrows OGL content from the Twisp and Catsby RPG in that it is not for critics. Any player that criticizes the results generated by the table loses 500 points of the GM's choosing and is subject to one (1) savage beating with a shovel. If a character doesn’t have a mentor, and the table says his mentor has been killed, well, then he has a mentor now. Had a mentor. If the GM doesn't have a shovel, then he should buy one immediately.

It’s another bright and sunny day in Creation. Your character awakens refreshed and ready to kick some ass in the name of the Unconquered Sun. You are going about your business, whatever that may be, when…(roll 1d10 and consult the table below).

1: …a badly wounded man staggers towards you from off-screen. As he approaches you, he pulls something from his tunic and hurriedly presses it into your hand, begging you to “keep it safe”. He then dies. Roll on the Dead Man’s Random Item Table.
2: …you are accosted by a group of brigands who demand your money, your life, or some combination of the two. These brigands are nothing more than weak extras allowing you to handle them easily, but the fight gets the attention of several villagers who are left in awe of your skill. After the battle, one of them cautiously approaches you with a petition for help. Roll on the Random Village Plight Table.
3: …someone approaches you who claims to be your spouse from another life. Whoa. Roll on the Random Spouse Table.
4: …a sudden cloudburst forces you to seek shelter in a nearby cave. Once you’re out of the rain, you notice that you aren’t the only thing in the cave. Roll on the Random Cave Contents Table.
5: …you discover that someone has killed your mentor! Nnnnoooooo! Roll on the Random Vengeance Quest Table.
6: …you come across three old women stirring a cauldron of something unidentifiable and foul-smelling. Upon seeing you, the women announce that they’ve been waiting for you. It seems that they’re here to tell you about your destiny. You think “Hey, why not?” and listen to what they have to say. Roll on the Random Prophecy Table.
7: …you experience a flashback from one of your previous incarnations. Roll on the Random Flashback Table.
8: …you remember that you’re currently in the city of Gem. You then notice the ground starting to shake. This can only end badly. Roll on the Random Destruction of Gem Table.
9: …NINJA ATTACK! For no immediately apparent reason, you are attacked by a group of ninja intent on your death. Not that they don’t necessarily HAVE a reason, but if they do it’s something for you to worry about later. Roll on the Random Ninja Clan Table.
10: …nothing interesting happens. Wait, what? That can't be right. Quit screwing around and roll again. We don't have all day here.

Dead Man’s Random Item Table:
1: It’s a map, faded in some places, tattered in others. But where does it lead? And what’s to be found there?
2: It’s a book or journal of some sort. It could be a tome of sorcerous lore, or it could be Mnemon’s private diary.
3: It’s actually a deed or contract of some sort. But what’s it for, and who wants it so badly they’d kill someone to get it?
4: It’s a piece of jewelry, such as a pendant or a ring.
5: It’s a small box with no obvious lock or hinge to indicate an opening. If you shake it, you can hear something small rattling around inside.
6: It’s a tiny statue, presumably of some god or goddess of Creation given the religious iconography present, carved out of jade. The sculpting is exquisitely done.
7: Whatever it is, the fate of Creation rests upon it. Yes, you’ve come into possession of a MacGuffin™. MacGuffin™ - Starting adventures since RY 153™.
8: It’s a scroll. You’re not entirely sure, since it seems to be written in some sort of cipher, but it appears to be a diagram detailing some sort of martial arts technique. Charm city, here we come…assuming you can find someone to translate (and possibly teach) it.
9: It’s a small glass bottle with a snug-fitting stopper. The stopper has been sealed to the bottle with wax, and wards against evil have been inscribed all over the bottle’s surface. The glass is murky and the contents are barely visible, but you suddenly have the strangest sensation of being watched.
10: It’s the Eye of Autochthon. Well damn.

Random Village Plight Table:
1-2: It’s a classic tale. A gang of bandits is raiding the village on a routine basis, stealing their crops and killing anyone who dares to defy them. The villagers know nothing of war, so they’re looking to hire mercenaries to fight for them. Not that they can pay much, but you’re not in this for a salary anyway, are you?
3-4: A local spirit is bullying the villagers into worshipping him by threatening to poison their wells if they refuse. Meanwhile, this is drawing prayer away from the spirit of the harvest that the villagers freely worship. If this keeps up, the village elders are worried that this season’s harvest will be too poor to sustain the village. The spirit is too powerful and slippery for them to do anything about it themselves, so they’d like you to intercede on their behalf.
5-6: The village has been suffering under a terrible drought for some time. They know that you’re one of the so-called Anathema, but at this point they really don’t care. If you can find a way to bring the rain back, they’ll be more than happy to spread the word that the Anathema aren’t such bad fellows after all.
7-8: All the young children in the village have fallen into a deep slumber from which they refuse to awaken. They’ve called in healers and sages and even a couple of small gods, and nothing they try seems to help. Might you give it a shot, oh Prince of the Earth?
9-10: Actually, the villagers are all part of a sect that worships the Unconquered Sun. Unfortunately, their carefully-guarded secret has been revealed to the local Satrap by an Immaculate monk posing as a wandering apothecary who managed to integrate himself into the village for several months. Now, under pressure from the Immaculate Order to set these heretics on the right and proper path, the Satrap has mobilized a talon of the troops under his direct command. A rider on horseback has just returned, and he says that the force is only two days march from the village. The villagers are willing to fight to defend themselves, but want you to lead them in battle.

Random Spouse Table:
(Note: spouses may be of whichever gender the character wishes, assuming the spouse in question is bound to a single gender.)
1: The spouse is a Lunar Exalt who was your consort in the First Age. They look surprisingly good for someone over a thousand years old.
2: The spouse is actually a Solar Exalt who claims to be the reincarnation of your spouse from the First Age. It’s possible that all this talk about the First Age and previous incarnations may trigger a flashback. If so, roll on the Random Flashback Table.
3: As the previous result, only Exalt in question is an Abyssal.
4: The spouse is a spirit of some sort. This could be anything from a minor river-spirit to a deity of war.
5: The spouse is actually a ghost. Bummer. But maybe you two can still work things out.
6: The spouse is one of the Fae. Well, stranger things have happened. But are they telling the truth?
7: The spouse is one of the Infernal Exalted now. MAJOR bummer. No cordial relationship is really possible unless you decide to swear fealty to the Yozis on the spot. Skip the Random Spousal Relations Table if this result is rolled and go straight to the fight.
8: The spouse is a demon. A demon of the Second Circle to be precise. Why they’re currently walking around Creation is a mystery to you, but here they are.
9: The spouse is a very sophisticated First Age automaton. Those wacky Solars, what WILL they think of next?
10: Whatever the spouse appears to be, it’s actually Luna in disguise. The Unconquered Sun is taking FOREVER with his turn at the Games of Divinity, so Luna’s decided to skip out of Yu-Shan for a bit and stir up a little trouble in Creation for kicks. Roll again on this table to see what form Luna decides to take (discounting this result).

After acquiring a result from this table, roll on the Random Spousal Relations Table to determine your spouse’s attitude towards you.

Random Spousal Relations Table:
1-2: Yours is the sort of love they write epic poems about. The good kind, that is. Your spouse still loves you even after a thousand-some-odd years, and they’ve been watching you from afar until the moment seemed right to reveal themselves to you. Guess the moment seemed right. Looks like you two have a lot of catching up to do.
3-6: Your spouse has, for the most part, moved on with their life. After all, it HAS been a while. Still, something compels them to seek you out one last time. Maybe your previous incarnation saved them during the Usurpation and they’re looking to honor this debt. Or perhaps this is just their way of closing a chapter in the story of their life. Whatever the reason, they’ve come to provide you with temporary assistance, advice on a puzzling situation, or a vital clue of some sort…but just this once. After that, you’ll never see them again, leaving you to always wonder...
7-10: Your spouse wants you to die. Immediately. Whatever happened in that previous life of yours, it must not have been pretty. Maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding. Maybe. At any rate, if you want to find out the reason your spouse wants to kill you then you’ll have to do it during the fight. Roll Initiative.

Random Cave Contents Table:
1-2: You find that the cave goes deeper than it initially looked. Exploring further, you discover that the cave is actually an entrance to a tomb of some sort. But whose?
3-4: Just your luck that you had to pick the cave that was already occupied. A wild animal of some sort makes its home in this cave, and judging from the growls you’ve just woken it up. Bonus points if you beat it to death with your bare hands, then wear its skin as a cloak.
5-6: Its pretty boring when you’re stuck in a cave all day with nothing to do but count raindrops. You fall asleep, and when you awaken and exit the cave you discover that you’re in the Underworld. Congratulations, you just found the world’s smallest shadowland.
7-8: Exploring the cave, you come across a small ritual circle painted onto the floor. Despite being crudely primitive, the circle seems to have weathered the passage of time and encroachment of the elements admirably. Also of note is the skull that rests in the center of the circle, which doesn’t appear to come from any man or beast you’ve ever encountered. An ornate sword has been driven through the top of the skull, pinning it to the ground. You can feel something in the back of your mind, soft yet insistent, urging you to take the sword.
9-10: Once you cross the entrance of the cave, you find yourself standing before a massive courtyard paved with gold and accented with glowing crystals. An ornate fountain surrounded by benches and sofas dominates the center of the courtyard, and you can see stair at the far end leading towards what looks like a manor house carved out of the earth itself. Reflexively stepping back out of the cave, you look in and see nothing but cave walls and moss. You step back in and you’re back with the courtyard and the fountain and all that. Is this a hidden manse, kept secret from prying eyes with illusory magic that you’re somehow immune to, or is it the summer home of a fae noble who values his privacy? Or something else?

Random Vengeance Quest Table:
1-2: Your mentor was a right bastard. The question isn’t so much “who’d want to kill him” as much as it is “who WOULDN’T want to”. Hell, you’ve thought about it once or twice yourself. Not that you actually DID do it. You think. Anyway, he may have been a jerk but he was also your mentor, so you at least owe him a bloody quest for vengeance. But if you’re going to do that, then first you’re going to have to figure out who actually killed him…one potential suspect at a time.
3-4: Only one person could be responsible for such a fiendish deed…the head of your mentor’s rival martial arts school! Pick a martial arts style. That’s your (former) mentor’s style. Now pick another. That’s the style the rival school practices. Don’t worry too much about WHY they’re rival schools. Martial arts masters get into blood feuds at the drop of a hat. What matters is that someone has to PAY. Shake your fist at the heavens, then roll on the Random Ninja Clan Table to get an idea of how powerful the school and its students are as a whole, only substitute “martial arts practitioner” for “ninja”.
5-6: The person who killed your mentor also took something of his…something he was guarding. But what? Roll on the Dead Man’s Random Item Table to find out.
7-8: Somebody got a good look at your mentor’s killer. Unfortunately, that someone is your mentor’s brash 17-year-old child/grandchild. They’ll help you find the assassin, but they insist on accompanying you along the way. Because what every demigod on a vengeance kick needs is a teenage mortal to look after. On the bright side, you have an impressionable young mind to bestow your divine wisdom upon (or ruthlessly mold in your image if you’re into that sort of thing).
9-10: Your mentor left very specific instructions on how he was to be lain to rest after his death. Before you can seek vengeance on those who killed him, it’s up to you to make sure his last wishes are carried out. Roll again on this table to determine HOW your mentor died (discounting this result), then figure out what it is you need to do with the body. The funereal preparations shouldn’t be impossible, but should require some effort on your part if you care about doing it right. Such preparations might include being interred in an ancestral tomb, procuring certain grave goods, or ensuring that a functionary from a specific religion presides over the funeral.

Random Prophecy Table:
1: You will be killed by one of your own children. If you don’t have any children yet, then don’t sire any. If you DO have children, shower them with kindness or kill them quickly.
2: You will rise to become the leader of a great kingdom, and your name will be remembered for all time. Note that these two events may not necessarily be related.
3: You will unite all of Creation under one banner, but you won’t live to see what becomes of such an alliance.
4: You will experience horrible betrayal at the hands of someone very close to you. Get preemptive revenge and kill everyone close to you first.
5: You will unleash unspeakable death and destruction across all of Creation. Nice going.
6: You will restore the world to the glorious heights of the First Age.
7: You will shake the very foundations of Heaven. If you’ve already DONE this, then you’ll be doing it again.
8: You will be forced to make a difficult decision between love and duty, the consequences of which will either save or damn you. No pressure, now.
9: You will become a messiah, founding a religion that will one day supplant the Immaculate faith itself.
10: You will be the one to break the Great Curse. If your character has been unaware of the Great Curse up until now, its existence will doubtless come as quite a shock.

So how true IS the prophecy? Roll on the Random Prophetic Accuracy Table to see how likely your foretold future really is.

1-2: It’s a scam. The three women were part of a travelling performer’s troupe, and recently decided to strike out on their own. They do the “old wise women” schtick in an attempt to sucker people into “donating” some jade to appease the spirits of fortune. The stuff in the cauldron? It’s soup. Very BAD soup. Anyway, the prophecy is entirely made-up, and it’s likely that the women aren’t even aware of your divine nature. They tell EVERYONE that they’re going to forge kingdoms or doom Creation. The more impressive-sounding the prophecy is, the more “donations” they can rake in.
3-9: The prophecy is accurate…up to a point. Due to your Exalted status, the strands of fate have a funny way of snapping like old harp strings around you. The prophesy WILL come to pass, but only if you do nothing to change it.
10: The prophecy is written in stone. The three women are actually Sidereal Exalts, and for some reason the prophecy they told you MUST occur. Yes, even the bad ones. Why? That…is a secret. Strangely enough, you’re also required to know about this fate in advance, which is why they told you in the first place. Fate works in mysterious ways. Fight it all you want, but it WILL come to pass regardless.

Random Flashback Table:
1-2: Wherever you are when the flashback starts, you remember being there before. Only things were MUCH different back then. For a brief moment, you see the splendors of the First Age as they were in this part of Creation.
3-4: You remember being here before, but you also remember DOING something when you were here. Something important…you remember burying something important…just a short distance from where you’re standing.
5-6: It’s a memory of the Usurpation. You see your past self battling a group of Terrestrials armed with weapons and armor the likes of which you’ve heard only Lookshy possesses these days. Despite their efforts, they fall to your weapon one by one. Suddenly, something explodes and bathes the area in blinding light, which ends the vision.
7-8: You see your past self with a lover or spouse, you aren’t sure which. The other person in your vision looks vaguely familiar to you, as if you’ve seen them recently, though you couldn’t say for sure.
9-10: Whatever it is you see, it gives you immediate insight on how to solve a problem you’re currently facing, whether it’s how best to manage your fledgling kingdom or how to defeat the bound demons guarding your former incarnation’s tomb.

Random Destruction of Gem Table:
1: War is hell. It’s also, occasionally, very dumb. At least three different armies are each marching to sack Gem, each of which was unaware of the others until just a few moments ago. Now, instead of just having to deal with Gem’s army, they have to deal with each other as well. And, of course, you’re caught in the crossfire. Pick a side or just get the hell out of town without being killed.
2: The sky turns dark, and the air grows cold, and a series of gigantic bone spires erupt from the ground. Somebody is using powerful necromancy in an attempt to turn Gem into a shadowland. That’s when you notice the army of zombies in the distance.
3: Rocks fall, everyone dies. No, seriously. An invading army managed to either hire a powerful sorcerer or scavenged an ancient magical weapon and figured out where the “on switch” was. Now the city is being bombarded by flaming boulders of varying sizes. Unless you can parry giant falling rocks (and hey, maybe you can), then you should probably start running.
4: Two massive behemoths take an intense dislike towards each other and decide to have it out. In the middle of Gem. Naturally.
5: Two words: yeddim stampede.
6: The earth explodes upwards as a massive war machine from the First Age is awakened by your presence. Unfortunately, the city of Gem wasn’t around when the automaton was entombed in this location, so it views all the residents of the city as trespassers. And back in the First Age, all trespassers were shot on sight. If you do nothing, the automaton will destroy the entire city (except for whichever part you happen to be in, as it doesn’t want to kill YOU. Yet.). You can try and order it to stand down, but doing so will require some sort of authorization. Think fast.
7: The Locust Crusade marches across Creation in search of the sustenance their massive Primordial god-realm requires. Their first target? You got it. Lock up the daiklaives baby, ‘cause here they come.
8: Hordes of earth elementals begin frantically digging their way out of the ground and running off into the distance. This causes most of the city to collapse into Creation’s largest sinkhole, but more importantly, what could cause all those elementals to flee in terror like that? You’ll find out in a minute.
9: A mad sorcerer has conjured forth a plague of creatures to ravage the city. It could be a classic, like locusts or snakes, or it might be something more inventive, like giant sand spiders or intelligent, carnivorous cacti. Killing the sorcerer seems like as good a way as any to stop the infestation, but you have to GET to him first. Him and his giant locust/snake/spider/cactus/whatever familiar.
10: The entire city of Gem suddenly explodes for no good reason. Fortunately, you must be doubly blessed by the Unconquered Sun, as the explosion simply tosses you several leagues away from the blast to land on something soft. Aside from some minor charring, you’re fine. Sadly, none of Gem’s citizens can say the same thing. But really, it’s their fault for choosing to live there in the first place. Seriously, would YOU live in Gem? Yeah, me neither.

Random Ninja Clan Table:
1-3: You call this a ninja clan? Maybe these guys could strike fear into the hearts of normal mortals…too bad for them that’s not what you are. Nameless ninja are the equivalent of weak extras while the clan leader is, at most, a heroic mortal or low-powered god-blood, allowing you to easily spread him across your daiklaive like jam.
4-6: What all good ninja should strive to be. This clan is larger, more powerful, and better organized. They still shouldn’t give someone of your divine might too much of a problem, but don’t just write these guys off as harmless mooks either. Nameless ninja of this clan are considered to be competent extras. There are also several “lieutenants” that you may have to face before you can confront the leader of the clan. These lieutenants are on par with heroic mortals or god-bloods, while the leader possesses power comparable to a Terrestrial Exalt or a noticeably powerful god-blood.
7-9: All these guys lack are guitars to wail on. Chances are one of them is behind you RIGHT NOW. No no, don’t look. Just keep reading. This is a ninja clan beyond measure, the sort of threat that isn’t to be taken lightly even by a champion of the Unconquered Sun. They possess masterfully-crafted weaponry, have training in esoteric martial arts, and are very, very sneaky. Even the nameless ninja hordes you face are the equivalent of elite extras. Multiple lieutenants stand in your way, from Dragon-Blooded martial arts masters to spirit assassins waiting to steal your breath while you sleep. Assuming you can reach the clan’s leader, you’ll find that he’s no pushover; expect an opponent as powerful as a Celestial Exalt at least.
10: Well THAT’S different. These aren’t your regular ninja. Maybe they’re all beastmen led by a particularly stealthy Lunar sire. Or maybe they’re members of a Yozi cult with a patron that grants them Infernal Powers Ninja Were Not Meant to Know. Regardless, these aren’t your typical ninja. Figure out what it is that makes these ninja special, then roll again on this chart (discounting this result) to determine a power level for the clan.

- Kai Tave

Comments

This is hilarious. I greatly approve.
~ Shataina

I actually might use some of those - Malikai

For some reason I find this absolutely hilarious. Great stuff.

That was brilliant - Ageis

I am perversely tempted to use this in my tabletop game; it fits the predicted tone a little too well. In any event, kudos for rad. -- AntiVehicleRocket

Like everyone else, I find this hilarious, and strangely... seductive. I may use this also ^_^
-- Darloth

Are you -sure- you aren't one of those spirit assasins from the Ultimate Ninja Clan? Because -my- breath seems to have gone missing here. This is both hillarious and perfectly usable. I love it :) - Gamlain

I wanted to say that I, too, enjoyed this immensely, but... why Gem? Am I forgetting something in particular about the place? - DigitalSentience

It's a joke. Gem is just about to be destroyed by, variously, the forces of Paragon, the Locust Crusade and the undead horde of First and Forsaken Lion. The others are just expanding on the idea. ^_^ As Caesar used to say, "Gem delenda est." - Moxiane

I love this. It is so funny!
--BrilliantRain

Long live randomness! ScornMeticulous