Punslinger/ExaltedDrinkingSong
Exalted Drinking Song
The concept here was to write about all the PC's and many of the major NPC's in the games I've run and played in over the years. Many of them can be found on this site, or on those of my friends. I was never my intent to write well of them- that's no fun at all. Instead, I intend to prove each and every one of 'em is a sinner or a whore or just a right bastard. That's why they're princes of the earth.
I see this song being sung by Exalts that are bitter or mortals trying to console themselves about not being powerful.
Gather 'round ye patrons of this fine and noble inn
A tale of the Exalted is what I've come here to spin
No tale of bloody bravery, nor of immortal luck
I will not stoop to flattery, for every one's a schmuck.
Kamahl the baby-eating man
Is Chosen of the Dawn
So you never will convince him
He should keep his trousers on
Varian's a scruffy bloke
Who wields a pair of guns
He's got the most diseases
Out of all the Rising Suns
Fairweather's a Zenith
Of a strong fraternal bent-
He'll fraternize all day and night
With his abyssal wench
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Ashmedai the paragon
Has many hidden flaws
It seems he likes his lassies
Fresh out of their training bras
The maiden known as Verity
Is brilliant clear enough,
But if you try to tell her so
She'll punch your marbles off
Giano is a sorcerer
His workshop full of toys-
He keeps them on display for when
He picks up little boys
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Whisper is a pervert
Of a most uncommon kind
He's only ever happy if
He takes you from behind
The ninja called Chrysoberyl's
Obsessive, you might say
Although he loves his sifu
He still swears he isn't gay
Tantoru fought with solars
And quite fast ran out of luck-
But he was just a god-blood
So nobody gave a fuck
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Builder the Descending Sun's
A friend to you and me
But really quite disturbing
When he's stalking Verity
Davire, the scalawag was killed
When Heaven pulled his card
But took with him a deathlord
So we don't cry very hard
Yomizu is a solar or
At least that is the gist
But he's so fucking boring
We pretend he don't exist
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Gossamer is interested
In things out of the Wyld
It seems this larval deathlord
Wants a half-fae bastard child
Riptide was a ne'er-do-well
With treasure in his eyes
He finally got some booty
When he started dating guys
Verdance is a monk who cries
When he sees killing blows
He even cries at night sometimes
While wearing women's clothes
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Avi was abyssal
Now she's Chosen of the Sun
She's so mixed up inside, she's still
More goth than everyone
The dragon blood called 'Snow for short
A dedicated nun
She takes her vows all serious
But for the sexy one
Ailia the sidereal
Was quite a saucy bitch-
She used a six-foot daiklave when
She had to scratch her itch
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
The Fifth and Shattered Crown
He keeps his daiklaive in a sheath
But look beneath his steel pants
And there's nothing underneath
The Iron Tyrant Bound in Chains
Of Gold's a hefty name
He compensates with it you see,
To hide his manly shame
Dancer of the Frigid Blades'
A monster in the sack-
But don't you get your hopes up,
She's a necrophiliac
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Rain "The Falcon" Carronen's
Quite happy with his lot
You never see him run so fast
As when he's dodging Plot
Aleric the Crowned Sun
A skillful diplomat
Was beaten by the ugly stick
When last he had a spat
Ardal, in Deadly Beastman
Can pitch an ursine fit
Betimes while foaming at the mouth
He pees a little bit
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Moral ambiguity's
A staple nowadays
When Bec goes 'round in leather pants
Abyssals sing his praise
A comely wench is Datara
Her Breeding strong and true
And if you've essence high enough
She'll deign to notice you
Karn is a typical Zenith
To principles he'll stick
But ask of his religion; He's
A frothing lunatic
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Chosen of Serenity
Is Ina, zombie bait
They shamble in from al around
-Just looking for a date
The man called the Evangelist
would see his Deathlord null
The way in which she touches him
Is unprofessional
Justicar of the Bloodied Thorn
At laughter he does scoff
But you would be unfriendly too,
If your Deled rotted off
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Shining Light, Resplendent Sun
Thinks himself a king
But still surprises everyone
When he does anything
'though Harmony acts emotionless
We all see through his act
He builds gigantic robots
But is rubbish in the sack
Artanthos of the Silver Heart
Breaks monsters with his mace
Yet every single night finds him
With makeup on his face
Raise your glasses now and all you mortals raise your voice.
Be glad you weren't fucked up enough to be of Lytek's choice.
You've got your drink, you've got your song. Be happy where you are.
Be glad you you aren't an Exalt, friends. Be glad you're in a bar.
Comments
I have now contributed to the context for the song, the chorus, and the stanzas on Verdance, Gossamer, and Riptide. All with permission.
This may well be the most offensively hilarious thing I've ever seen you create. I am in awe. -- teflonshugenja
Impressive.
-- Darloth
Nicely done, I had a laugh out of it. ~ Haku
Hot Damn this is funny.
Update 1/29/06: Added some new verses to reflect the Kolan campaign thus far. More forthcoming soon, I imagine.
