TheNexusProject/Ted

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Ted

by EJGRgunner

"Who?"
- Icefire Jasmine.

"Ted? Is he the man who looks at me funny when I scrape the cobbles?"
- The simpleton Lokara.

---

Ted is not a smart man. Ted is not an industrious man. Most of all, though, Ted is not a happy man.

You see, Ted lives next door to Righteous Kills Many Things, the Celestial Lion at the head of the Golden Lion Guild. Although this affords him a certain level of security unavailable in most parts of Nexus, it has considerable drawbacks.

You see, Ted cannot sleep at night, because he's constantly being woken up by the comings and goings of a 18-foot-tall lion that shines with the brilliance of the Unconquered Sun. Additionally, the endless litany of parables, tantras, and diatribes can be quite wearing.

Even though his problems could be solved by moving away from Treads On Soon-Dead Things, Ted patently refuses to do so. "I was here first," he flatly asserts. "Let him move."

Rumours

• It is probable that Ted uses drugs, like Bliss, to sleep at night.
• Since he almost never sleeps, Ted looks exceptionally haggard. Because of this, some people say he is a sexual deviant, who can only be sexually satisified by Orange-Meringue Custards.

Secret

• Ted used to think he was a hermaphrodite... until he learned what the word meant.

Comments

ROTFLMAO!!!! ok, that was hilarious. poor ted... its always the little things you never think about, like the next-door neighbors of the gods, what do THEY think about their oh so high and mighty co-inhabitants? Dreaming Nymph

Seconded! OMG, I've not laughed like that in a while. ^_^ -Suzume

Absolutly awesome! Question though, should there be a link in here to the Bureau of Numbers since he's an employee? - Malikai

Not necessarily. This entry was created before the Numbers entry, and I wasn't really fleshing out a character so much as trying to be funny.
I really, really like Ted's inclusion in the Numbers entry, but I also like to think of Ted as a great "background" NPC be to be tossed into any situation that calls for a luckless loser (that guy who was there instead of the Sidereal that Dodged Fate? That was Ted. That bystander who you cut in half when you botched your attack roll? That was Ted) so I prefer to think of him as a sort of unfixed, non-descript, miserable, unintelligent, sleep-deprived jack-ass who can't hold down a job because he never stops complaining about his damn neighbor.
Furthermore, I'm either too lazy or too vain to update the entry. I'm not sure which.-EJGRgunner