Revision as of 09:02, 3 April 2010

Specific Discussion Forum for Chasing the Sun

Put comments and questions about specific chapters or plot developments here.

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chpt 7

A nice short chapter. I'd thought about doing something with the "snakes like heat" angle in part 6, but just couldn't fit it in. Might be interesting to see what Al's "corrupted anima" means (hopefully not that she's Infernal, gah).
_Ikselam

I intended that to be referring to whatever effect is cutting off her memories and tainting her personality. I think she's too free-willed to be any kind of normal Akuma. - willows

It was brief, but very picturesque. I liked it. I'll get to the Allandra scene once stuff calms down for the day. --dissolvegirl

So I'd like to ask the WBM community what it thinks about me going over and trying to lengthen this chapter, as I feel that it's sort of the bud of something that could be a much better chapter, if I went about it in more depth. - willows

I say go for it. The more you do, the easier it is for someone to pick things up in the next chapter. EJGRgunner

No one's champing at the bit to write the next chapter, so go ahead.

_Ikselam

chpt 6

Let me be the first to applaud this wonderful wonderful chapter. Excellent job, sir. EJGRgunner

I think the part I was happiest with was the transition between scenes 3 and 4. I am not sure if it came across in the text, but in my head there was a very pleasing visual continuity between the columns of the pavilion and the limbs of the willow tree.\\ _Ikselam

Ahh, sweet downtime. Now the PCs get to spend their experience points! Seriously though, this was a nice read, very.. relieving, I guess is the word. I didn't have to reread anything because I didn't understand it the first time, was able to keep a finger on the events as they happened, and was pleased that there was no jarring surprise at the end. The dream scene and the realization that the Warden planted the "I am in a cage" thought in Allandra's mind were my favorites. Oh, speaking of the Warden-- I still think "WTF?" when I think about him in general, but he didn't hurt my head once this chapter. I actually kind of liked him. Bravo, Bravo. --dissolvegirl

Which dream sequence, the one at the beginning, or the tiny one at the end?

_Ikselam aspires to one day write a story whose protagonists don't suffer from horrendous emotional trauma...

The first one, although I loved the scripture-esque ending as well. --dissolvegirl, whose mentor once told her "No one wants to read about happy people who married their highschool sweetheart and live angst-free"

That was lovely, Roger, and a great hand-off. Now, to make sure not to flub it up... - willows

chpt 5

Well now that the part is up, I figure I should add a comments section here. -EJGRgunner

Detective Pepo rocks! Squash God-Blooded! -Dim

Many thanks. : D I figured it was time this story got a Freudian Rosencranz and Guildenstern. -EJGRgunner

chpt 4

Dim, I'm wondering where you got the idea that Dust and Iron / Dirt and Iron was a Chosen of Journeys; there are ample hints to his Secrets identity in my text. I can only assume that you chose to ignore them. - willows (I can point them out, if you like.)

I dunno. Probably just a mistake. The fact that all of the stuff in D&I's intro was very confusing may have contributed. Once wiki is back up, it can be rectified pretty easily, since it's not something that has huge impact on the extant storyline. Heck, maybe when his name got broken, he switched Castes. That seems like a real stretch, though.

I'm more troubled by the notion that romantic tension of any kind exists between the two leads. But, hey, it's not like I explicitly stated that Jasper and Mahi-Sura's relationship was Platonic, so it's all good. That's the nature of impro.

I was also concerned about how in God's name Jasper could possibly survive a fight with a First-Age Solar out for his blood, but I now have at least one idea how it could play out (he could use the disarming move he dreamed about in the previous part), so that's not the problem I initially perceived it to be.

Believe it or not, I actually saw the surprise twist coming. Before the chapter went up, even.
_Ikselam

Sorry, willows, I really didn't see those hints, honest. I'll change his description ASAP. As for the romantic tension, I see it as part of something larger. Jasper has been obsessed with his past; his constant dreams and desire to reclaim what was once his have left him practically blind to all but the most utterly necessary actions of the present. When something concrete from his past actually shows up, he kind of wakes up. He looks around, notices there is a present, and that he should live it. Here is a beautiful, strong, and capable woman who cares for him. Realizing that Allandra is two thousand years dead and buried, he moves on with his life, and begins to have feelings for Mahi. Allandra bursting in on them is what we like to call 'Irony' :)

I had some trouble with the difference of power myself, but any number of ways around it exist. Besides, who says he has to defeat her with weapons? Have you ever watched anime? -Dim

It's an extremely minor detail, dude; I don't blame you. I'm always being taken to task for being too sneaky in writing classes. - willows

tricksey willows.....Gollum! Gollum!...always twistey and turnsey..... -Dim

chpt 3

Some very pretty words in this part. A question, re: the scene with the trees. I got the impression that the doors in the trees lead to spirit sancta or the equivalent. Is this correct?

If you'd like help brainstorming for the "missing scene," post thoughts here and I (and others, I'm sure) can try and assist you.
_Ikselam

Thank you.

That's the idea; not necessarily sancta, but they're certainly doors to "places that aren't behind the tree". I see the cache as being an actual place somewhere, with a door on the inside where there's only a wall outside.

Khentkheti of Leaves is a god, probably in the service of the Bureau of Secrets, but with his own things to do in Creation as well. I think that he is an agricultural fertility-god or some such, and there could be a subplot with the squash diety in part 1. - willows

It might be neat if he was the god of a particular type of foliage, like, say, autumn leaves (he could be Jorst's henchman / rival / dethroned predecessor). Or, he could govern a particular leaf crop, like cabbage or (more glamorously) some kind of leafy drug plant like tobacco or marijuana. If he was the god of pot or a similar drug, that would explain why he works for the Bureau of Secrets: when you're higher than a kite, it's easy to act mysterious! A drug-god would also have certain extremely obvious schticks for his temple.

If you wanted the name to be a play on words, he could be a god of paper (maybe papyrus in particular) and / or books. This would also fit with the "loremaster" aspects of BoSec.

If you wanted to do a kind-of visual pun, his materialized form could be described as similar to Michaelangelo's "David," or some other classical nude... with fig-leaf firmly attached. ^_^
_Ikselam

chpt 2

Very nice touch with the queasy heart's-blood comment, EC. I love cool details like that. I'm really excited about continuing this. Not sure exactly where to go, but excited. - willows

Thanks for the compliment, willows. I really appreciate things like that. -EndlessChase

A good chapter, overall. I really liked the dream of the Eclipse ceremony.

• The fairy's unusual speech patterns were initially jarring, but the explanation for it was stellar.
• The "I win!" line was grand.
• Poem didn't suck, which is more than I could have managed. ~_^
• I caught some minor spelling and grammar errors (a couple obvious typos, and one or two misplaced commas). If you want, I can go through and fix them for you.
• You note Dellano having beaded hair and beard. Purposeful, or inadvertent confusion with the Night guy from Jasper's dream in chapter 1?

The dream sequences are the only thing I found highly problematic. The content was fine, but the grammar was all over the place, in terms of tense and person. By the end, you seem to have settled into second-person, present tense. What is everyone's feeling on this? Should we standardize the dreams, or say "sometimes they're second-person, sometimes third, sometimes first. That's just how dreams are!" In any case, I believe that each sequence should be internally consistent (i.e., choose a tense and person, and stick with it until the end of the scene).

This is the only thing in the body of the text which stood out:
Dellano’s men panicked, letting go of the reigns and drawing weapons. “The hell is happening out there, Mahi? I can’t see!” His words became meaningless to her as a faint laughter, as that of young children at play, began to come from the woods around.”
I think this is trying to convey the following sequence of events: The extras react to the fairies, Jasper says the line, then Jasper hears the fairies. The construction of the paragraph makes it really unclear who is doing what, though.
_Ikselam

Thanks, Ikselam. For the most part the things I did were intentional, though some of the things you are bringing up were most likely a result of typing thirtyfive hundred words in the same sitting. I know I shouldn't use exscuses, but I can't help it ^_^. As for the beaded hair, I left that in with Dellano because I like the look, and you, and I thank you for it, left much of the character descriptions up to the other authors.

I'm working on the dream problems, converting them to a more uniform format, and I'll clear up that other paragraph pretty well too. Thanks for pointing the stuff out; I like criticism. I'll work on the grammatical errors as best I can, but I have to admit, I'm awful at proofreading. Anything that needs fixing, go ahead and fix.

And you were right, continuing other people's storys is really fun! I can't wait to see what other people do with the story.

I hope none of the people still contributing care that I'm making some minor changes, such as fixing the dreams and paragraphs. I'm not changing the content of anything, just trying to fix problems that are pointed out to me. If anyone else, or yourself again, Ikselam, sees anything else, let me know, and I'll get to fixing it as best I can. -EndlessChase

Hey, this is a wiki... these things live and breathe, they aren't dead text on dead wood. Feel free to do whatever editing you feel up to. Status report: I have an image for the initial scene; I'll see where that takes me. (Yes, that's how I write. I think these characters have enough dynamic inertia that I can end up doing something interesting with them.)

Last proofing:

In the dream.... The creatures are large and strong, though he kews they were no match for Judgment’s edge.

Is kews a word I don't know, or a typo?

You quickly launch Judgment....

This is a change in person from the previous paragraph. I figured I'd leave it to you to reword. - willows

After fixing the issues with the dreams, all I could think was "What in the Malfeans was I thinking last night? Flaming Lunar on a stick, man, ge it together." I think I fixed it though. Let me know, people. -EndlessChase

I'll do a proofreading pass tomorrow.
_Ikselam

Went through, fixed a bunch of typoes and stuff. Two recurring errors stood out:

• "Reigns" are periods during which people rule. "Reins" are the things you pull on to steer the horse.
• Only connect direct quotes to a clause with a comma if the quote is the object of a "saying" verb in that clause. Here's what I mean by that:
  • Yes: Lyta thought for a bit. "I like coconuts," she said. The quote is the object of "said."
  • No: Lyta thought for a bit, "I like coconuts," she said.
  • Yes: "That's very nice." Crane rolled his eyes, a longsuffering air to his words. The quote is not the object of any verb in the sentence describing what Crane is doing.
  • No: "That's very nice," Crane rolled his eyes...

Also be aware of the magical semicolon. I tend to overuse them, but they really are fantastic little punctuation marks. Use them to connect two independent clauses which closely relate to each other, such as when the second is a consequence of the first.

I standardized tense and person in the last dream sequence. I think we probably don't need scene dividers in dreams unless those dreams are really long.

_Ikselam

The really sad thing is that I took about six english courses in High-School. Damned if I can remember common grammar however. -EndlessChase

Hey willows, I couldn't help noticing that you referenced Lexicon stuff in your WBM chapter (while searching for Seven Hymns Princess), and thought you deserved a gratuitous compliment for doing so :) So yeah, nice work and good call.
~ Shataina

Thanks for the props, 'Taina. I'm making an effort to try and interconnect the various stories into a sort of coherent world - difficult, since each one is set in a different place and they don't share any characters - to make them feel a little more real. - willows

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