Xilanada - Unforsakable Birthright/Part 4

The 18th Day of Descending Earth, 766 in the Year of Our Empress.

Xilanada woke from depths only nightmares could drag a person to. For many minutes, she trembled in bed, wishing, willing the images to fade.

"I'm not Night...I'm not the Destroyer," she whispered to herself. "I am Xilanada, I am Xilanada, I am Xilanada." Over and over she chanted the phrase. With each repetition, Final Starry Night receded and Xilanada became herself again.

Xilanada pushed a life best left forgotten aside and struggled to sit up. It was surprisingly difficult. Sparks of light swarmed her vision and she was gasping by the time she managed sitting. For long minutes, she sought the discipline and concentration that had carried her so far in the past.

In time, the dizziness receded, the sparks flew away and Xilanada became more aware of how much things had changed. Her balance was different. Lower. Though she felt much lighter since she weighed half of what she was used to, the heft of her bosom was noticeable. A strange feeling of more area than she'd ever known before.

Perhaps it was the lingering dizziness, but the one thing Xilanada expected to notice, to miss the most, wasn't really noticeable after all. Of course, it could be how she was sitting but she didn't think so.

The long mass of curly blonde locks tumbled past her face, obscuring her vision and reaching all the way to the bed sheets she was sitting on. An experimental tug to straighten a length made her wince. The memory of raven-black hair, straight as a book binding and softer than satin intruded, a thought she pushed away.

Sitting here was only making it harder for her to separate herself from whom she'd been.

Xilanada tried to climb out of the bed and ended up on the floor instead. Her soft, curvy, pale body was as weak as water, with the endurance of a sand dune. The rough wooden floor felt bitingly cold, yet the feel of it pressed against her skin was mercifully kind and it was only then that she knew how fevered she was.

Was she sick? No...was it poison?

Xilanada struggled to focus her mind. It was agonizing, to feel her once razor-keen perceptions flounder now when put to the test. But she must remember. Something had happened yesterday. Well, obviously something had happened. Yesterday, she had wielded more power openly than nearly any in an age. Today, she was this frail, helpless creature. Xilanada would have raged against it, were it not for the certainty in her heart that that it had been her choice.

Of course, who she was now was infinitely better than who she'd been. Even if she was helpless.

Xilanada finally looked about and took in the simple cottage. How had she come to be here? That much was truly beyond recollection. This was a humble place, so impoverished it was a blessing it still stood and a curse that it existed at all. In her entire life, and the one that had come before, she had never seen a place so small and crude, much less slept in one.

But this could be something she would have to grow used to.

All the comforts of who she had been, all the glory, wealth and power...these were things she had sacrificed, and gladly. The teasing edge of a memory prodded her and was gone, leaving her with the impression of grief deep enough to make a desperate bargain. But what?

Xilanada picked herself up at last and moved slowly about. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe. Poison? Or something else? Sweat broke out on her face, across her body and the valley between her breasts itched as the skin rubbed with each shift. By the Sun, that would get annoying.

Making the rounds of the cottage was easy enough, even in her state. It was that small. The hut was amazingly full with utensils beyond her knowledge and knickknacks, clothes and dishes. Xilanada paused here and there, taking it in, seeking to learn what she could by simple observation.

Thankfully, her training had been thorough. One person lived here now, but once two had. A husband and a wife. The woman was still alive, but old now and had been alone for years. Whoever she was, she had the resources to keep what little she had maintained, but none to acquire new.

Xilanada was unexpectedly touched with sadness as she settled into a chair. A few days ago, and insects like this old woman would have been insignificant, beneath her notice. But her eyes had opened, and there was no closing them, no turning away from what she knew no matter the cost. This woman had never seen the South and never would because her life was her work. She had no doubt loved her husband so much that she had never remarried, keeping all his old belongings. That was a long time to live without the one you loved.

Xilanada turned away and looked out the window, not wanting to look at the bleeding of her own heart.

The city outside was dirty. Filthy and decaying. It could be a shadowland, so badly was it crumbling, if not for the energy those walking about exerted. Everyone was in a hurry, clearly having somewhere to go. Nexus was aptly named.

She was in Nexus. When? How? What happened to Grayfalls? How had she left it? How long ago?

The door opened and an old woman stepped inside before locking the door again. Xilanada was unexpectedly glad to be rescued from being her own company.

"Oh, so you're up, are you? I'm surprised. Thought you would sleep through the day." The old matron's gaze was unflinching and stern, even if her voice was kindly. Xilanada felt unexpectedly embarrassed, as if she was caught doing something wrong.

"I've slept enough, thanks. Sleep isn't always my friend."

"The Dreamer be praised, if that's not the truth. You talked in your sleep last night and I almost couldn't sleep myself from it!"

"I'm very sorry," Xilanada apologized nervously, wondering what she had said. "I don't usually."

"Think nothing of it, dear," the old woman chuckled. "Xilanada, wasn't it?"

"Yes...how did you know?" Xilanada remarked in surprise. "We must have met yesterday, but I confess I don't remember much of it at all. I don't even know why I'm here, or how."

"Oh, you don't, is that it?" The steely edge to the woman's voice returned. "You can call me Passion. And we didn't speak much. I found you face down in the street. You looked to be in a bad way. You said you had been poisoned..." That last was said in such a way that it was plain she didn't believe it.

"Poison?" Xilanada repeated. "Yes...yes, that could be it. It might explain why I can't remember..."

"Can't remember? Anything?"

"I'm afraid not," Xilanada lied. She remembered more than she wanted to. But not enough. Not how she was now Xilanada. And she knew nothing of this Xilanada's history. She had little practice with deception, and knew better than to try concocting a story.

"Poison...aye. Could have been drugs, too." Yes, that was the heart of Passion's ambivalence. Xilanada had wondered and was pleased that she knew now.

"Very doubtful, unless they were given to me without my knowledge. I have never used them in my life." That much was true.

"Never?" Passion said, seeming doubtful.

"Not that I remember. Which doesn't mean much, I know. But if I was taking drugs, the knowledge is gone, along with knowing what kind of drug it was."

Xilanada tried a smile and felt a surge of pleasure when Passion at last thawed and smiled back.

"May it stay lost, if that's how it was. How do you feel?"

"A little sick and a lot miserable," Xilanada said, grinning. "But I'll live. Passion, thank you for your kindness. But I'm afraid I have no way to repay you."

"A night's stay at my cottage costs little enough. Some could say I should pay you, for making you sleep here!"

Xilanada laughed with the old woman and waved her objection aside, as she knew she should. "Really, a house doesn't need to be a mansion to be a home. And I can see there's more love here than in a dozen manors."

"Yes, I suppose you would know," Passion said with a wry chuckle. The laugh died and amazement grew in her face as Xilanada looked at her blankly. "By the Shield-Warden, but you really don't remember, do you?" \ ,

\"Know what? Remember what?" Xilanada hated the tremulous quality in her voice even as she said it. It wasn't as if whatever Xilanada had been mattered. She didn't know that past, but it couldn't be worse than the one she had fled from.

"When I saw you, you were wearing what you are wearing now." Xilanada glanced down and noticed the rumpled red silk that draped her. It looked expensive, but meant little.

"Am I rich and not knowing it? I'm sorry, I don't know the local dress. Is this supposed to mean something?"

"Oh dearie, in Nexus, silk like that means you're a whore."

Xilanada frowned in thought at the revelation. A prostitute? That's not what she had once been. But was that the life she had assumed now? She had been willing to do anything to escape her old life, had been willing to become anyone. Now, for the first time, she came face to face with the significance of that decision.

"I don't want to be," Xilanada said at last. She looked up at Passion and saw the old woman watching her expectantly, waiting for a reaction. "I don't remember being one. And the thought of it...turns my stomach." It did, too. Sex was as far from her mind as could be, but though she had been Xilanada for only a short time, being with a man was even farther away mentally.

"Good for you, girl," Passion said, and again Xilanada sensed the old matron thawing further toward her. "Good for you. You'll be wanting something respectable then, yes? Or do you have family you can go to?"

"Family? No. No, I'm afraid not. Not that I know of, anyway."

"Then you'll need some way to get by, won't you?"

"Yes, I suppose I will." Xilanada frowned again, realizing that a new life meant having to work for a living. She had never needed to do so in her entire prior life before. Of course, that entire prior history had led to the deaths of tens of thousands of people, hadn't it? By comparison, a simple job sounded very appealing.

Besides, all she had to do was to look about this humble little shack. Xilanada had grown up in a palace, and had known a life of luxury. But what had that really meant? Empty riches and meaningless power. Even before Passion had returned home, Xilanada had looked into the old woman's life and found it full of love.

Once, Xilanada had thought she knew what love was. But then her eyes had been opened and she had seen what lay in the heart of the one she really loved. An inhumanity that she could never tolerate, never be close to ever again.

"Tell me, Passion. What is it that you do?"

"Me? I clean for a living."

"You clean? Houses?"

"No, no, a school. The Six Poses of Lightning. Would you be interested in giving it a try?" Passion looked pleased, and maybe a little excited. Xilanada realized that the old woman must have really warmed to her, because this wasn't an offer given lightly.

"Yes, I think I would. But are you retiring? Do they have an opening for me?"

"Retiring? What a strange notion. Retirement is for the rich, my dear. No, I don't plan to retire. But I wouldn't mind some extra help. You see, when you get to be my age, things aren't so easy. I'm blessed enough, I suppose. Most days, no aches or pains. But I'm not as fast as I used to be, you understand? It's a big school and there's much to do."

"You would be willing to share your job with me?" Xilanada said with as eager a smile as she could muster. "Can you afford to do so?"

"Gods of Heaven, yes. They pay me well and I make more than I know what to do with." Xilanada had a feeling that wasn't quite true but said nothing. "And it would do me good to have a little company. But you can't be afraid of hard work." Again, the disapproving look and Xilanada felt guilty, despite having done nothing.

"I'm not. I'd like to see what you do. And...though I don't remember much of my past, I somehow have this feeling that I'm better off without it. I'd like to make a fresh start, Passion."

"There's little that will clean the soul better than a little cleaning of other things, you'll find. Care to come along today? I leave in an hourglass or so."

"Yes, I'd like to come," Xilanada said and stood. Her vision blurred and her legs trembled with the effort. Passion reached out and steadied her, giving her the support she needed until her balance returned. "Sorry. I'd still like to come, if you're willing. I do feel a little sick but I'm getting better and you've already been so kind to me. I'd like to start returning that kindness as soon as I can."

"You've got good spirit, girl," Passion said with an approving nod. "If you're going to make it on your own, then you'll have to learn to do it no matter how you feel somedays."

"I can do that," Xilanada said. She wondered for a moment why she was so eager to push herself like this. She knew she was sick, or poisoned. But she also knew she was feeling better already from when she had woken.

Even if she ended up a cleaner for the rest of her life, today...today she was eager.

"Then, let's get you out of those things. You don't want to be seen like that at the school."