Xilanada - Descending Dark Of Past And Future/Part 12

Once again, it was an effort to drag herself into the world of consciousness. Xilanada decided, as soon as she had wits enough for the thought, that she was heartily sick of being ill and injured. She would preserve her life here for herself, the life she had already paid so much for, but enough was enough.

Unsurprisingly, her sore body was bruised where once there had been deep wounds. The healing of the Dragon-Blooded was not what a Solar’s was, but it was more than she knew how to do or could do right now. At least she was mobile.

Xilanada sat up and looked about. It was evening, that much was obvious from the dusky blackness outside pressing against the windows. She was in the School’s infirmary, on a rather comfortable cot, and she was once again dressed differently than she had been upon blacking out. How many people had seen her naked now, anyway? And she had not a clue who had done the dressing each time.

"Lana, you’re awake."

Headmistress Tepet Ajalat Seya stood there, in all her official glory. The formal robes of office of the School fit her trim figure perfectly, making her dark face look even more reserved than usual. Her hands were crossed behind her back, which was doing admittedly nice things to the presentation of her front. Xilanada smirked and thought "harlot!" at herself.

"I am, Headmistress...Seya. Do I have you to thank for the healing?"

"Naturally, I would not let one of my valued Professors bleed to death. It reflects poorly on the School’s reputation." The quirky smile and lightheartedness of her tone told Xilanada that she was joking. It was sometimes a little strange to hear a sense of humor come out of the Earth-Aspected administrator. Just one more endearing quality.

"Well, we wouldn’t want that. Tell you what, I’ll hold fewer office hours and see if that doesn’t cut down on the surprise attacks." She was smiling when she said it but the faint sobering of Seya’s face reminded her at once of the incident, almost forgotten, a few months ago. No one responsible had been caught. Now this.

"I am concerned for you, Lana," Tepet Seya said, mirroring her own thoughts. "This isn’t the first time your life has been endangered in this School and, while I would that it be the last, I can’t promise that when I don’t know the circumstances it happened under."

"Let me start at the beginning then," Xilanada said. It wasn’t a long tale and she omitted mention of Rainblown. No need for Seya to think she was enamored with the gay Professor. A nagging little voice in her head whispered that the real reason she left it out was so Seya would know she was free...

Which was ridiculous, of course. Sen was in love with her. By the Sun, it was not possible that his sister didn’t know that. And whatever kind of man Final Starry Night had been, Xilanada had decided months ago what kind of woman she would be. Seya was...an infatuation, a silly school-girl crush. Her life was complicated enough with Sen, to say nothing of poor Solitary Coil wherever she was.

"I’ve assigned Sen to the task of investigating this attack," Seya said, after musing over the details of Xilanada’s story. The Earth-Aspect looked resolute. "I trust he will approach the task with his usual thorough diligence." Was that a slight stiffness there? Xilanada looked at Seya more closely. The Headmistress was as disciplined as any Imperial courtier and there was no trace of whatever that had been, but Xilanada knew she wasn’t mistaken.

"Thank you, Seya. Since you’re here...I think we need to talk."

"Of course, Lana." Seya moved from where she’d been standing over to a nearby chair. She looked no less regal for sitting down and Xilanada sighed, knowing this was going to be awkward no matter what she said or did.

"Tell you what," Xilaanda began. "There’s two important matters that concern you. One is this Guild Factor. I assume he’s still around?" Seya’s reluctant nod spoke volumes. "The other is your brother. I’ll let you pick which you want to start with."

Seya smirked a little and genuine humor snuck into her dark eyes. She clasped her hands in front of her and simply looked at Xilanada for several moments. Xilanada met her gaze unflinchingly, waiting to see how Seya wanted to handle things.

"Let’s start with the more personally problematic," Seya said at last. "The Guild Factor. He claims you were his slave. He says you have his mark. I saw it myself when I was healing you. He claims you ran away months ago and he’s been looking for you ever since." Xilanada nodded. "He wants you back and he is a Guildsman with considerable, if local, influence. I trust you are well aware of what passes for law in this city. If he feels it necessary, he could bring a great number of mercenaries against us to seize her. I don’t doubt that he could circumvent the usual Edicts in this case, since he’s only reclaiming property."

"I was afraid of that," Xilanada said ruefully.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

A strange feeling started. It tickled over her knuckles and slipped across her skin until she could feel it in every fiber of her being. It rose like the coming of the day.

"Not much to add to what you already know," Xilanada said, after that moment of hesitation. What was that? And why did it feel so wrong to have just said what she had? There was a great deal to add to what Seya knew, much that she had omitted from the Headmistress. Xilanada felt guilty in her deceit...and then felt a moment of fear, knowing that Seya might know the Charm for feeling someone’s guilt.

Someone was trying to magically influence her. Again. That was getting as tiring as being hurt.

Yet she had no intention of leaving. No, the Six Poses of Lightning School was her home now. This was her life. She was not going back to the streets, to take her life in her hands just to find enough food to eat.

"How about I simply tell you the truth?" Xilanada said sweetly. Yes, that felt right. That meant someone was using some kind of truth magic on her. She didn’t know a Charm like it, which meant it was a God.

"Yes, please," Seya said primly.

"I came to your school a few months ago as a servant. Passion, a servant of yours and a good friend of mine now, had found me on the streets of Nexus with apparently no memory. She took me in and then you did in turn. The details of what I was doing before I lost my memory are only open to conjecture, I’m afraid, but let me tell you what I think is likely the truth."

"I know that I wore silks that a prostitute is known to wear in this city. I also know that I seem to have a great deal of memory about the First Age, Old Realm and myriad little details of magic. To me, this suggests I was once trained as a scholar and likely enslaved forcibly by someone else into a life I can't think I would ever have consented to. I cannot conceive of a circumstance where someone with my education would have willingly become a prostitute. Of course, I cannot prove any of this because I do not remember that past."

That strange pressure bore on her mind. Xilanada ignored it. The pressure to be honest, to be what someone else thought she should be, was considerable but dismissible it seemed. So she would use that to her own advantage and blend her two lives into a story that was detection-proof. As before, she had not yet told a single lie because, from her point of view, she didn't know first-hand her past...this body's past, this life she had inherited. That continued lack of knowledge remained her salvation in this interrogation.

"By his own admission, the Factor claims you were a personal assistant," Seya said. She rubbed her eyes. She must be tired of dealing with all this, Xilanada thought. "I'm in a difficult place, Lana. He has a contract. If he can prove you're this Captive Smile, I can't see any way to keep you here."

"I understand."

"What can you tell me? What can you give me that would vindicate you or at least spread some doubt on your alleged past?"

"What were the terms of the contract?" Xilanada asked simply.

Seya's eyes grew thoughtful and a small smile appeared on her lips.

"It is some pages long. The essence of it is that you agreed to indefinite servitude in his interests in exchange for a regular supply of the drugs of your choice."

"Drugs?" Xilanada questioned, her stomach twisting as one more piece fell into place. So Sen's theory was turning out to be true. Why had that woman been so weak? She would have sneered at this Captive Smile if she hadn't taken her life to get away from her own. Who was the worse person, the one who escaped through drugs or the one who escaped by becoming someone else?

"Yes, evidentially his Captive Smile was quite addicted to a variety of drugs. Unfortunately, there's no escape clause in this contract for her. He is obligated under Nexus law to give her drugs but she cannot choose to leave his service, even if she turns them down."

"Assuming I'm her. That's still in question though. Just because I look like her, have a tattoo like the one he says she has, and have no memory doesn't mean I'm her. There are plenty of blonde women in Nexus. As for the tattoo, big deal. I could have gotten it recently, after my tenure here began, and a God in his employ could have told him where it was as a kind of 'proof'."

"There is a little doubt," Seya said, clearly unconvinced by the argument. "But honestly not much. You look like her, have his mark, and you have no other past you can produce to prove you aren't her."

"Fine," Xilanada said, thinking quickly. "She was a heavy drug-user? How heavy?"

"As heavy as they come," Seya said wryly.

"Which means I should be too, right? Memory might go away but addiction's physical as much as it is mental. Obviously the Factor owned his slave as much through her habit as through a contract. Put me to the test, Seya. Put those drugs in front of me. If I'm Captive Smile, this heavy drug user, I've been without for a long time. I should do anything to get my hands on more. Find out if I will."

"A risky test," Seya said cautiously. "Though it would go some distance toward proving your identity. In particular, Captive Smile is said to be addicted to a mixture of heroin and Bright Morning. Do you know what such a test implies?"

"I can imagine," Xilanada said grimly, steeling herself. The truth was that she had Captive Smile's body and that body likely had addiction as deep as scar tissue. This was as dangerous as summoning a Third-Circle Demon in its own way.

"I will propose that a shot of heron and Bright Morning be administered to you through a syringe," Seya continued, confirming her thoughts. "You will be observed for several weeks. If you break down and beg for a fix, it will be strong evidence you are Captive Smile. If you never were her, then a single shot is very unlikely to produce an addiction so powerful so as to be irresistible."

"If that's what it takes," Xilanada said. She gritted her teeth at the thought of it but resigned herself. It really was for the best. "Let's do it."

"One thing further, Lana," Seya interrupted. "You had another matter you wished to discuss."

"Yes. Your brother."

Seya made a small gesture, almost imperceptible except to one watching for it. There was no one else here which meant the motion had been for the God inflicting that Charm on her. Seya didn't trust her after all! Xilanada couldn't fault her for it, though. The Headmistress of the School was still in a very difficult spot right now.

"Go on," Seya said, hands still folded neatly in her lap.

"I...we need to talk about him." Xilanada laughed a little helplessly at the sudden wave of panic that overcame her as she thought of Sen and his arms around her. "I'm afraid I don't know whether to convince you to let me see him or if I should ask you to convince me that I should."

Grudgingly, Seya smiled. She unfolded one of her hands and reached out, squeezing Xilanada's leg. The touch felt unexpectedly comforting.

"Do you love him?" Seya asked quietly. Xilanada laughed again and leaned forward to rest her head in her palms. It took her ages but at last she nodded. Even that surprised her. She looked up at the Headmistress and found her eyes watering with feeling.

"I don't really know. ...no, that's not true. I know but I want to deny it. I do, Seya, I do love him so much that it frightens me."

"You're frightened because you don't know who you are," Seya said calmly.

"I know I'm not this Factor's slave," Xilanada answered. "I saw the way he looked at me. His Captive Smile was nothing more than an addict and a whore. I know so many books, Seya, there's so much I can bring up for classes. I can even do some basic Thaumaturgy. Do you think someone my age, however old I really am, could have learned all that and be heavy drug-user too?"

"No, I don't," Seya admitted. She was certain in the way she said it and that was an unexpected kindness, a support that it almost made Xilanada cry after all.

"Thank you, Seya. Yes, I'm frightened. I don't know how to handle this feeling and...I know he's your brother but...it's complicated."

"I'm sure that it is," Seya said agreeably.

"Do you..." Xilanada paused, swallowed, and tried again. This would be so much easier if this was Headmistress Tepet Ajalat Seya she was talking to and not Seya who she lusted after a little and liked too. "Do you really think he cares for me?"

Seya looked hard at her. There were parts that were still friendly but Xilanada knew she was mostly seeing the powerfully intelligent, calculating administrator and Realm Dynast that Seya really was. She was being measured, quantified and there was little mercy in those sharp eyes.

"Yes," Seya granted at last. "I could have lied to you but I think honesty would be best here. Sen is very much in love with you, though he has taken great pains to conceal it. This is not the first time he has been in love and he forgets I have had some practice at it."

"He's been in love before?" Xilanada asked, surprised. Of course he'd been with other women, that was obvious. He was a Dynast after all and a practiced lady's man or she was a Lunar. "Wait a minute...is he...married?"

Why had she never thought about that before? The Realm's Dragon-Blooded often did not live with their spouses. As long as they had children every decade or so, the Realm itself did not care what its Children did. Could Tepet Sen be someone's husband?

"No, he's not," Seya smirked, settling at least one fear. But her expression showed there was still cause for concern. "He was betrothed for a year to a woman he did love but it did not work out and, seeing as you are unaware of the details, I would feel more comfortable if you spoke with him about it. Some things are not my business."

"But some things are," Xilanada said. She would have to have a talk with Sen later about this, oh yes. The central issue at the present hadn't been settled yet though. "I'm not...asking to marry your brother. But I know how Realm law works. If I were to have anything lasting with him...well, in the Realm, it would reflect very badly on him, wouldn't it?"

"You have a fine appreciation for these matters," Seya said dryly. "Yes. If I may be as blunt, you are a peasant of no known bloodline. Sen is considered one of the House Tepet's more promising matches right now."

"And with the growing tensions in the North, tensions that will are already drawing Tepet's attention, they need all the political alliances they can garner," Xilanada finished. "Tepet always needs every bit of good will they can get. He will have to marry a politically powerful Dragon-Blooded woman."

"Exactly," Seya said. The hard calculating look in her eyes was back and Xilanada sighed. Once again, an intellectual problem had tipped her hand.

"Well, obviously some Guild slave wouldn't have figured that out," Xilanada snapped instead. Seya nodded once but remained silent. "So I suppose the issue is that...Sen shouldn't be falling in love, is that it? Anything that might make his willingness to marry less is to be avoided at all costs."

"Yes," Seya agreed. "It is nothing personal, Lana, it's politics. I like you a great deal. But it is still politics."

"I understand." Xilanada frowned as she thought over what that implied. Once, the thought of marrying a man would have made the Anathema Final Starry Night nauseous. She wasn't that man but it was still a stretch to think of such a lasting relationship with a male. On the other hand...

She loved Sen. Did this mean that such love was doomed? She could never be his wife, only his concubine, his favored lover. She could have his heart but never his sole devotion. Could she stand to share him with another woman? A woman he would give heirs, a woman he would have to stand beside and support?

...No. No. The Unconquered Sun curse her more than she had cursed herself, no. Xilanada might be Realm-born in memory but she did not work that way. Look at how much heartache her Lunar mate had given her, even though she'd rejected her! Her growing love for Sen had been the final links in the locking away of that part of her past, she realized now.

Xilanada could not stand to love them both. And she did not think she could stand it if he was married to someone else.

"I'm sorry," Seya said sympathetically. "I know only too well how difficult it is to love one you cannot be with."

"You do?" Xilanada said, blinking in surprise. For some reason, it had never occurred to her that Seya might be in a relationship herself. The Headmistress was too impersonal in her own way to ever see a man getting close enough.

"I do. I am married, after all."

"I didn't know that!" Xilanada exclaimed. "How long? Is it because he's not here or do you mean someone else?"

"We've been married for 64 years," Seya said ruefully. "We have seven children together in fact. Five have Exalted, the one who has not serves as our household's accountant, and my youngest daughter, Jefela, is only 12 and may yet."

"How could I have no idea of any of this?" Xilanada asked in disbelief.

"I do not talk about it," Seya said simply. "My husband lives in the Realm, as do our children. We are cordial, but not close."

"Things never...clicked between you two?" Xilanada asked politely.

"Not precisely. He prefers his women more submissive, more involved. And so do I."

Xilanada laughed, that kind of nervous laugh that comes from having a private hope unexpectedly fulfilled. Who would have thought? Not that it mattered at this point.

"I see. I'm sorry, Seya." She reached out and squeezed the Headmistress' leg, giving her the same support she'd been shown earlier. Seya shrugged a little and stood.

"I'm afraid I have to return to work. Our conversation earlier was investigated by a God under the Factor's employ and he and I must present our findings to the Guildsman, as well as my proposal for a test. Rest, Xilanada. You'll be back on your feet in a few days and this should be cleared up by then, I hope."

"Thank you, Seya," Xilanada said gratefully.

Without warning, Tepet Seya bent down and kissed her full on the mouth. It was surprisingly firm, passionate and with every indication of a deeper hunger that could not be faked. Xilanada was too shocked to resist but her body tingled in reaction, welcoming the woman's touch. And then, too soon, Seya pulled away and squeezed her arm.

"As for Sen, if I were you I would enjoy the time given to me. You love each other. If you can come to terms with the inevitable heartbreak of the future, be happy with each other now. In that, I envy you." She turned and walked to the door, glancing back just before she left. "And him."