Revision as of 21:48, 2 June 2006

The Lords of Cute Angst

What are they?

They are the epitomes of cuteness, coolness and angst mixed together. They exist as unliving proof that such a fearsome combination is possible. They are fallen Bishonen who, after their deaths at the hands of the Magical Girls and the Helping Goddesses, reached an agreement with the NeverCute. They agreed to serve the cause of No Fun, renouncing the powers given to them by the Broodingly Handsome Sun to enact their vengeance on existence. If they can do it in a cool fashion, the better. Ten Lords of No Fun are detailed, leaving the rest to the Storyteller’s imagination.

The Lords of Cute Angst have a few things in common: they are COOL, they were betrayed, they always get what they want (because they’re just so damn COOL), and they’re the kind of people who’s willing to bargain with the NeverCute (and that says a lot). Besides from that, they’re all notoriously different and unique entities. Oh, and one more thing: they’re all impressively IRRESPONSIBLE. No wonder the NeverCute haven’t succeeded yet. Besides, no matter how incredibly COOL you are (and these people are REALLY COOL), if you’re one of the bad guys, you’re bound to fail in the end, often in a very sad way. Yeah. Live with it.

Of course, each Lord does his or her job in his or her own way……or at least, those who actually try. Some have completely ignored their supposed purpose and devoted themselves to their personal schemes. Why the NeverCute haven’t destroyed them is anyone’s guess. Maybe they haven’t found it in their hearts to kill such a COOL bunch. Things also depend on which NeverCute a particular Lord serves. In the end, the NeverCute states an order (which is always very stupid and boring as hell) and the Lord complies……for a while.

Regardless of, well, everything, never forget that the Lords of Cute Angst are the NeverCute’s agents in the world. With their guide and instructions, the Lords manipulate events and arrange the slow but inevitable descent to the Maw of No Fun. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

………whatever.

What do they do?

Well, they’re COOL. I think I’ve stated this a few times before. Some are satisfied with just that. But, in one way or another, they all serve the cause of the NeverCute. Here are some examples of, well, Lord of Cute Angst stuff.

• Creating shadowlands: to send the living to a world of eternal angst, they first have to get rid of the world as it is. That’s why the Lords of Cute Angst actively campaign to multiply the size and number of shadowlands. Their individual methods vary. For example, Mask of Vintners infuses his grapes with the essence of No Fun, slowly spreading his taint all over Creation. When a place has accumulated enough of his grapes, a new shadowland is born.
• Corrupting Exalts: while some Lords just want to get rid of every Exalt in existence (other than their lovely Gothic Lolitas, of course), some actually enjoy drawing them to the “dark side”. Some accomplish this without even trying. They’re just that COOL. A fine example of this is The Slayer Who Wields Sharp Things and Is Surrounded by Crazy Chicks. He has a whole entourage of females by his side. However, as amusing as it is, he never actually sought them at all. They just showed up in one way or another and, as his name says, they’re all insane (in one way or another). The only exception would be the Ren twins: he actually offered them the choice to join him, and they’re not crazy (or at least they’re beacons of normality in the Not-You-Too Mansion).

The amount of dedication each Lord displays is widely variable. Some are content with giving instructions and having their Gothic Lolitas do all the work. Others are relentless and unstoppable, directly leading their minions too deal with whatever inconvenience they find.

Do they remember their past lives?

Some do, some don’t. Most don’t even care. Some of them unconsciously try to reenact their previous lives to a point. They usually end up with depraved mockeries of their past existences……which aren’t half bad to them, anyway.

Do they work together?

Umm……no. There was a time when they did, of course. That’s how they got the Underworld for themselves. Now they can barely stand each other. It’s what happens when many COOL people gather together (It is impressive how so many Exalts actually manage to work together), especially when they’re so different. The Crappy Savant tries to convince the others that he’s actually a genius while The Nun tries to drag The Slayer under her bed sheets and The Crimson Mistress goes psycho, all this while the Walker, Undead Ranger fires bolts of Moe at random targets and Mask of Vintners yawns in boredom. It’s a mess the likes of nothing ever seen anywhere else.

For these and many other reasons, the Lords of Cute Angst now prefer to keep their distance, managing their own businesses without regard for their kin.

They keep their distance, but they respect each other. They know the last thing they need is a war among them. Of course, what they ignore is that the NeverCute do enjoy watching their agents quarrel, and often stages short, (hopefully) uneventful conflicts between two or more of them.

So, they’re cool, but are they smart?

First of all, they aren’t cool, they’re COOL. And yes, they’re quite smart and skilled. They used to be Bishonen, you know.

Even if they’ve forgotten their pasts, they do remember lots of information from the Harem Age, and they’re probably the greatest savants of these current times. They know the workings of death and the Underworld better than anyone else. They’ve been instructed by the NeverCute on the rules and customs of the Labyrinth, and they’ve probably the only beings that will never get lost in there. They don’t know everything, but they’re pretty damn closer than anyone else. The only exception to this is The Crappy Savant. He’s just an idiot.

They have used powerful magic and Reality Revision Charms to gain absolute control over their strongholds. Within their immediate surroundings, they’re godlike. Any mortal or Exalt realm within their immediate reach is quickly reduced to a vassal state or simply obliterated, at the Lord’s whim.

The world outside their realms is a little more problematic. Some of them don’t really care, some of them thread their way lightly, and the others are trying to learn as much as they can about Creation. These ancient, powerful and COOL beings know that knowledge is power. Once again, except for The Crappy Savant. He’s just an idiot.

Lords of Cute Angst are almost as clueless about the realm of Oniboshi as ordinary mortals and Exalts. They worriedly notice that the Alien Princesses’ powers somehow resemble in structure their most powerful Charms. Generally, the Lords and their followers choose to avoid dealing with Oniboshi and their denizens, them being more random than Magical Girls on a sugar rush (*shudder*). Besides, their obsession with making their lives an endless script is just not compatible with the Lords’ world of No Fun.

What’s the deal with those crazy names!?

Needless to say, Walker, Undead Ranger didn’t have that name in his previous life as a Bishonen. Their true names were taken away by the NeverCute in exchange for the powers they currently wield. The Lords of Cute Angst are nameless, which makes them not unlike background characters. They belong to an existence of No Fun.

Each Lord is known by many names, some of them not quite nice at all. Some were invented by themselves, to inspire feelings such as fear, awe or depression. Most are given by others, which explains why most of their names are somehow related to their habits, appearance or personality. Some of these names might have been given to them by the NeverCute, who knows?

So, they’re COOL……do they have lots of cool, shiny things?

For Pete’s sake, these guys probably carry more metal with themselves than Mr. T. Of course, they didn’t just emerge from the earth clad in world-shattering artifacts. Some might have been given to them by their NeverCute masters, but most of their acquisitions are the product of their guile, skill and the wise use of their own resources. All Lords keep trained servants to assist in the creation of soulsteel artifacts, but the construction of the most powerful of these requires the use of the Lords’ No Fun Circle Necromancy.

In short, the Lords of Cute Angst have LOTS of cool artifacts at their disposal. Those they don’t have at hand, they can have crafted for themselves in no time at all!

What about their citadels?

Of course, they are cool. Each construction is entirely under the responsibility of each Lord. Needless to say, each citadel is a reflection of its builder’s own dark, twisted personality. Sometimes they are ordered to build in a specific location for reasons known only by the NeverCute. Anyway, the Lords usually build their strongholds within or near a shadowland, to allow easy access to the world of the living. Of course, a Lords’ citadel also serves as his/her Manse, so finding a Demesne within a shadowland is of the utmost importance when choosing where to build.

Ok, ok, now, really, what everyone really wants to know……how do I kill them?

Well, for starters, they’re already dead. That, of course, makes things a little……no, A LOT more difficult. If defeated in battle, they just rise again in their citadels, just a lot angrier and angstier. Of course, all methods applicable to ordinary ghosts have no effect on them.

Maybe, just maybe, each of them has a secret weakness, just like any other known big bad guy. Regardless of how clichéd that might be, the whole world is based on clichés like this. Of course, throwing a Lord of Cute Angst into the Maw of No Fun would have the same effect it has on any other being……whatever that is.

INNATE POWERS

Each Lord of Cute Angst has innate powers of his/her own, usually a reflection of their greatest talents both in their previous life and the afterlife. The full catalogue of these powers is yet to be compiled (after all, few face the Lords and life to tell the tale). Special powers of each individual Lord are detailed in their respective write-up. However, all Lords share a few powers, which are described below.

Creature of Ill Omen, Deluxe: At the expense of 10 motes and a point of Willpower, a Lord of Cute Angst can change its appearance into that of any creature, ranging in size between a large dog and a large man. They can even try to become larger or smaller creatures, at the cost of more Moe.

Eyes of Infinite Boredom: At the expense of 2 motes, a Lord of Cute Angst can kill any mortal. The victim gets a glimpse of a world so boring that his heart prefers to stop rather than keep on watching. The ghost that results from such a horrible, horrible death is beholden to the Lord for one thousand days.

Undead Kaiser: With but a thought, the Lord of Cute Angst may seize control of any and all mindless undead within his sight. This power costs nothing in a shadowland or in the Underworld, and 5 motes in Creation.

Undead Fast Food: As a dice action, a Lord of Cute Angst may feed upon the vitality of ghosts and other denizens of the Underworld, draining 1 permanent Moe to replenish 3 motes to his Moe pool. This may only be used on one ghost per action.

Necromancy: Lords of Cute Angst wield all the powers of Necromancy and the powers of up to Goddess Circle Sorcery (though the effects they summon are deadly, so they could simply be necromantic mimicries of sorcery spells).

Meet the Lords of Cute Angst!

• First and Most Wasted Crass Clown
• Princess Spoiled with Cheap Lipstick and Most Annoying Temper Tantrums
• The Bishop on the Landing
• The Crappy Savant Annoyed by Cat-Hackers AKA The Skeletal Lord
• The Nun Flat Out of the Hentai Game
• Wine and Online Games
• The Dowager of Absurdist Literature for Children
• Walker, Undead Ranger
• The Mask of Vintners
• The Slayer Who Wields Sharp Things and Is Surrounded by Crazy Chicks
• The Crimson Mistress of Endless Hair and Brother Complexes

Comments

Looks great! Are you going to leave 2 undefined? As I count 11 here. Also, should that be 'Wasted Crass Clown' or 'Wasted Class Clown'? --JohnBiles

Quoting myself: "Ten Lords of No Fun are detailed, leaving the rest to the Storyteller’s imagination." However, now that I check, there are 11......oh, whatever. Oh, and yes, it's "Crass Clown". --Wings