Latest revision as of 01:18, 6 April 2010

Why Goddess First Class Ketchup Gates Hates Mornings

Goddess First Class Ketchup Gates, acting leader of the BronzeSoft faction of the Helping Goddesses, was feeling pretty good for a woman of her age.

Not that anyone could tell, of course.

Or at least, no one would ADMIT being able to tell.

After a hard days' work preventing an infinite number of Exalted monkeys from destroying the universe through inducing glitches in the overworked Ultimate System, all she wanted to do was to relax with her harem of supple young men who had been carefully trained in the Marital Arts. She'd designed three entire Marital Arts just for them, and her centuries of work and breeding was FINALLY paying off. The stress in her back was, for once, almost entirely gone as Alphonse massaged her legs, while Pierre worked on her back.

Unfortunately, this was, in fact, just a dream, and she was woken out of it by her Emergency Disaster Protocol Alarm going off, combined with the fact that her Persocom, Magnificent Cherry Rain, was jumping up and down on her back, trying to get her up.

Suddenly, she understood where the back pain was coming from.

Wake up, Mistress, Important Intelligence, Class C, Priority Beta, has arrived. Wake up, Mistress, Important Intelligence, Class C, Priority Beta, has arrived, Magnificent Cherry Rain intoned. She was only about four inches tall, but she looked almost exactly like the now missing Scarlet Empress, right down to her armor and magically enhanced bust (Ketchup Gates, though naturally slender, despised those who enhanced their chest with magic, but she allowed her beloved Magnificent Cherry Rain this little indulgence. She was just so helpful and kind, even though now she would have to be taught to NEVER jump on her Mistress' back ever again.)

Ever.

Ketchup rolled over and sat up, turning to sit on the edge of the bed and adjusting her starmetal robe. She preferred to sleep in silk, but after the first few hundred times she'd been stabbed in her sleep despite ever improving security protocols, she'd hand-crafted herself a set of armor to wear while sleeping. "Report, Magnificent Cherry Rain."

Magnificent Cherry Rain now gestured dramatically and a glowing head appeared. It was Goddess Second Class Meganeko, a glasses-wearing brunette. "Honored First Class Goddess Ketchup Gates, I am currently composing a full report, but my preliminary investigation shows that Elder Raniya of the MoonSilver Pact is about to initiate Operation Hamster Dance. The Ultimate System predicts a 93% chance of Catastrophic Barrier Failure in the North East Sector of Creation if this Operation becomes fully functional, within a two week period. I estimate she will begin her kunitori within the next week. I should have my final report ready in 8 cycles once my information request on the Giant Space Hamster Incident is filled."

Ignorant Catgirl Morons, Ketchup thought, rising to her feet, yawning. She activated an Endurance protocol, banishing her fatigue. She wondered, idly, where it went when she banished it. Fatigue could be delayed and even moved around, but only destroyed by the proper procedures. Still, not her problem.

"Save this transmission, Magnificent Cherry Rain," she said. "Call up all previous reports on Raniya, cross-referencing her with Hamsters, Barrier-Maintaining Harem Age Dances, and Weaknesses in North Eastern Barrier Defenses."

"Already done, Mistress. I carried out the search while trying to wake you up," Magnificent Cherry Rain said, saluting in the style of the Realm.

Ketchup smiled slightly. "You can brief me while I shower. Check on the progress of Meganeko and run a search on Raniya's current position for me."

"Your shower is running and ready, cleanse your externalities at will," Magnificent Cherry Rain said, ambling after her.

Ketchup wondered again why Persocoms were always so much more efficient than 90% of her goddess subordinates. Without Magnificent Cherry Rain, she would likely have been reduced to screaming insanity millenia ago. Definitely Otakuthon's greatest creation, Ketchup thought. A pity he never created any with the full power of a Goddess. She'd looked into the possibility, but the Ultimate System had computed a 85% chance they would eventually rise up and take over Heaven if they had Goddess-level powers. So they had to stay as they were, handy assistants, but unable to step in and do the full work of a Goddess.

Well, at least it meant she had someone she could trust. Magnificent Cherry Rain was a little eccentric, but she did the work of a dozen goddesses in terms of keeping her master from being overwhelmed by the CONSTANT STATE OF CRISIS.

She paused at the shower door to pick and hug Magnificent Cherry Rain. "Thank you," she said.

"I live to serve," Magnificent Cherry Rain said, looking slightly embarrassed. "Also, Mistress, Goddess First Class Trump wishes to know how to resolve the Exalted Shard Requisition Crisis. Or possibly she's trying to taunt you,"

Ketchup rested her head on the doorway. Bitch, she thought. "Tell her to take it up with the High Goddesses, they're the only ones who can make more Shards." *Pause* "How bad IS it?"

"Five thousand, six hundred, forty and two requests for Bishonen Shard Implantations for various Mortals," Magnificent Cherry Rain intoned. "Available Shards for allotment in this daycycle: Three," she continued.

"Since she won't do what I want anyway, bounce the US-Mail request to the Office of SPAM Elimination Through Laser Bursts," Ketchup said. "And now, I am going to take a bath." She set Magnificent Cherry Rain down and began stripping.

"I will do so, then resume sorting, tagging, and prioritizing your US-Mail," Magnificent Cherry Rain said. She began waving her little arms in the air as if spellcasting.

Ketchup clambered into the shower and began planning for the day ahead. Ideally, this would end with a good excuse to kill something; it was that kind of day already. But at least she wasn't tired.

Anlya sniffed the air and frowned. "Dammit, Enri, did you fall asleep at the cow AGAIN?"

She ran into the barn and found her husband unconscious and covered with milk, AGAIN, while nearby a cow looked dazed.

She'd tried taking him down to the temple of the Kawaii Order, and yet, nothing they did ever helped him. He just seemed to have these fits of falling asleep more and more often, even with him getting ten hours a night at the Abbess' recommendation.

"JANI! GET IN HERE AND GO GET THE MONKS! YOUR PAW'S GOT THE FALLING DOWN SICKNESS AGAIN!"

Jani, a short tow-haired lass, stuck her head in. "What, again?"

"Someone's going to pay for this," Anlya said, shaking her own dirty blonde hair. She didn't know who or how, but SOMEONE was to blame for this, and she was going to find out who...

Suddenly, everything went black, except for the light streaming in the doorway.

"Maw, the torches went out again!"

"Yes, I can tell," Anlya said, deadpan.

They flickered on, then off again, then on. Every so often, they simply did this. At which point, more anonymous people went onto Anlya's kill list. Some day, someone would pay.

First Class Goddess Trump, Acting Head of the Exaltation Allotment Office, flicked the wall switch again. It STILL didn't do anything. She wondered once more why her new office had a wall switch with no purpose.

Unfortunately, the old Office of Household Lighting's staff had refused to answer this question when she'd successfully leveraged her heightened importance into taking over their office block.

IT HAD TO DO SOMETHING, BUT NO ONE KNEW WHAT. No one. Even the Archivists didn't know.

They were no doubt laughing at her.

But once her plans were complete, she'd see who was laughing. Oh yes, she would.

But for now, it was time to figure out how to resolve the Allotment Crisis without being killed.

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