Revision as of 01:18, 6 April 2010

The Imperial Kawaii Calendar

by Dr. Lemarchand Tara

The Scarlet Institute For the Advancement of Arts and Sciences

Creation has been the victim of dozens of calendars over the millenia since its creation; each time, calendrical reform brought chaos and disaster as the world had to be reshaped to fit the new calendar. Indeed, there is reason to believe the Contagion was originally released in order to distract people from considering another calendar reform. If so, its creators did the world a favor.

Thankfully, Neo-Empress Scarlet was content to reform the Calendar at the start of her reign and the Empire, and thus the world, has had the same calendar ever since. Unlike certain past disastrous 'reforms' (such as that of Shogun Hogan, who named each Month after his old prison camp buddies), hers was carried out on a rational basis.

Or at least, I can make good money rationalizing it. Jade by the word = the way to go.

Recognizing that half the past troubles revolved around inability to keep track of the actual ORDER of the seasons, she arranged them in alphabetical order--Air, Earth, Fire, Water, Wood, Party Week. (Party Week is not a full week, let alone a season; rather, it is a five day period at the end of the year. The Moon vanishes from the sky; my intense research has shown that it seems to spend the whole five day period in the brothels of the Imperial city. Now I'm wondering where the Sun goes at night...)

Each season is made up of three months, each 28 days long. In some past calendars, every month had a name, but that proved too complicated, and soon peasants were becoming confused and marrying their oxen to their children. You know how they are. The months are numbered, because Neo-Empress Scarlet recognized that most people could neither remember what 'Resplendent' means, nor could they spell it correctly. So the three months are 1 Air, 2 Air, and 3 Air for the first season, for example. Those who favor hoity-toityness over clarity refer to them as 'Ascending', 'Resplendent', and 'Descending'. Those who remember the brief-lived Shamma-Lamma Calendar refer to them as 'Good', 'Bad', and 'Ugly'. Anyway, I could complicate things all day...

• Air: 1 Air 1 is the first day of the year, commonly celebrated as Hangover Day. The Season of Air is cold and often rather somewhat wet with lots of ice and snow. 2 Air is the coldest month of the year. Things rapidly warm up in 3 Air.
• Earth: 1 Earth is sometimes called 'Mud', as the ground tends to be wet and muddy. This is the first and least productive growing season. The cold gradually goes away, but it tends to be rather dry.
• Fire: The hottest season of the year; 2 Fire is the hottest month. It is also the dryest. 2 Fire 14 is the Day of Passion, in which love and romance are celebrated. It is very fertile if people have enough water to keep their plants alive.
• Water: Huge rains now slam down and kill the heat. It is very fertile if you can keep your crops from drowning. A LOT of rice is grown in this season. 2 Water is the WETTEST month.
• Wood: This is the most fertile season of the year; crops grow at blinding speed. The last month, the weather starts to turn chilly and crops are harvested. Rain is frequent but not so heavy as in Water.
• Party Week: Everyone takes Party Week off and goes wild before the cold settles in all the way. Parades and chaos in the streets, dogs and cats living together, and no moon at night. Unfortunately, it also seems to be open season for Demon attacks.

The current year is IY (Imperial Year) 768