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Laeo Stark is a complicated man, often plagued by doubts and fear that have no place in the mind of a commander of men. Thus, when these feelings arrive, he's got into the habit of writing down his thoughts and then destroying them. The type of destruction usually comes in the form of burning, but has on occasion also been by throwing them overboard when at sea, precisely what happened with this first one:

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== On the Reachfar ==


Written on the voyage home to Lookshy after his exaltation had wrought such a massive change on him physically, He was torn between returning and trusting that the people he cared about would recognise him and the fear that he should not return in case they rejected him as the monster he feared he had become.

It was one of many letters written in similar vein and thrown overboard to drift and run to ruin in the wake of the ship.

"My Dearest wife Kynthia, 

I apologise that once again I cannot talk to you face to face and once again must resort to putting my words down on paper and praying that my feelings are clear, but in this case I think it for the best. I will come and see you soon, but you must be prepared for a shock. Iairos will not know me when he sets eyes on me next, and you my love will see a man from long ago - What I gave up in sacrifice to the legion has been returned to me, I have my youth and vigour once again but it comes as equal part blessing and curse. 
I am now that which I have hunted so fiercely for so, so many years. The people will call me Anathema and I cannot deny that the same strength flows through me as does those poor souls but I swear to you both that I did not seek this out .
You know I love you both and would never wish to bring you into any danger or dishonour, but it seems that I may have done both without intending to. In a moment of desperation I let slip the ideals of the upright soldier that I have clung to for so long that I might buy time for my friends and allies to escape foes beyond number, and in that moment everything changed. I failed my teachings and presented myself to them not as a man, but as a legend, I indulged tales of exaggerated deeds and the idolisation of those who knew not better than to marvel at one who simply did his duty, and in that moment Sol Invictus turned his gaze upon me. It seems that my penance for failure is to do all I can to live up to the legend I have claimed for myself, though I know not how.
Even now I wonder how I will be received in Lookshy, I wonder if you and our son will turn away from me in fear of what has become of me and even more I wonder if you would be right to.
The only comfort I can give you is hollow words, to tell you that I feel that I am the man you have always known, that I still wish to see you and Iairos safe no matter the cost to me.
I shall prostrate myself before the legion, if they see me as a soldier still then this letter will come to you, to let you know that I am coming to seek your judgement as well, to see if I am still a man.
Should the legion reject me, then this letter is my apology for failing you both. I know not what will become of me in that event, but I pray that Tien-Yu, Venus and The Unconquered Sun watch over you both.

No matter what happens, know I love you,
Laeo"





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== Fear of past lives ==


Stark Wrote these three after some of his circlemates started showing serious signs of their past lives affecting them. Stark is terrified of the notion that one of his past lives could come back and change him into one of the maddened beasts every Anathema he has experienced outside of the group has been. It is really the one thing that truly terrifies the man, the idea that whatever power he's been given will slowly drive him insane and turn him against his country, friends and most importantly, family.

The first is a prayer to many gods and will have been passed over smoking incense before being burned in a brazier, the other two are to Kynthia and Zinair and would each have been burned carefully in the fireplace of his room.




 
"I beg indulgence from the honourable Dragons, but I find no solace in the wisdom they have granted in the past to those I am honoured to consider peers. I ask that they hear the prayers I commit to paper and will grant me the clarity to see beyond my doubts. The path of uprightness fades from my vision, blurred by the light cast by new powers. If uprightness is the path you see for me, guide my footsteps that I might stay your course, but if it is not my destiny to be truly upright, I beg the serenity of your blessings as I become a warrior in truth.

Lord Sol Invictus, Your hand has touched my heart and placed fires anew in my chest as you promised me when first I heard your voice. As I perform your will I seek your council and trust; grant me, my lord, the strength of conviction to forge a path ahead. In these times of black doubt I trust to the light you have granted me for inspiration. As I beg the Dragons to guide my feet, so do I ask that you shield my eyes in the glare of your gifts, for the light of the Dawn is harsh and I would see your will for me clearly that I may serve.

My first goddess Tien Yu, Loyalty to the nation is paramount in my thoughts today and all days, I am not only your loyal subject, but a humble part of your family. No matter how I change in form, know that my blood runs through Lookshy and will ever be yours. 

Lord Tu Yu, Wisdom of ages past flows from you. Your stoic presence and calm are an example to me in times of uncertainty. I humbly ask you aid me in living up to your legacy.

Holy Sunipa and Shield of a different day, I look to you also, guiding hands and examples to all those who would make the safety of others their charge. Your blessings I ask in the name of my soldiers, protect them as they follow me. Bless them with the strength of arms and safety of steel required to stay the course laid out for them. If I falter see them safely home, and if they must fall in service, please watch over their loved ones."

 
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"Kynthia, my heart,

I cannot speak these doubts to you to seek comfort. I shudder to think what you would say if I were to reveal all of this to you, in truth it is my greatest shame that you are unaware of how much I am all at once ashamed that I am too much a coward to tell you all that has happened, fearful that you should be contaminated by what I am and so desperately in need of you to tell me that you know, and that you do not care.

I am powerful now, I grow more so in the light of the Unconquered Sun, and I fear that in time I will not be able to contain my desire to be seen as such. I have seen the fear that blooms in the eyes of upright soldiers as they realise that for all their devotion to that standard, they will soon be dead at the hands of an Anathema, and that their sacrifice is for nothing. 

I find I do not dislike it as I should.

I could confess this to no-one, not even you my love.

Perhaps once I commit this parchment to the flames divine Hesiesh will determine that I am truly evil, that he will pass my words to you and subject me to Karma in your rejection, perhaps he will see to it that others come to know of it and I will be punished.

For now I must wrestle my darker desires with all the strength I can muster. My faith in the cause that is our home must remain absolute. Only two options remain to me. I must control them until I can overcome them, or until someone relieves me of their burden by killing me.

I find solace in the thought of you and our son, you give me the strength I need to fight the battles that the might of my arm cannot win.

I love you both, and I swear to do all I can to remain the man you deserve."

 

 
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"Zinair,

Acting as we have these last days in covert manner it has become apparent to me that two of my long held beliefs are simultaneously incredibly important to my world view and, given my current status, laughably impractical. 

In the first case, and more simply of the two, the responsibility of the chain of command to deal with the punishment and treatment of prisoners (both domestic and enemy) has become a thorn in my side. The wisdom granted by Mela does not comfort my decision in this place, casting judgement on ones prisoners is far and away removed from the condemnation of those outside my own chain of command, and yet I find myself in the unenviable position of requiring some compromise between the two perspectives. Strictly speaking I should release the prisoner to face justice at the hands of her own people, her crimes are manifold and thoroughly documented, but I struggle with the necessity of ensuring my mission is absolutely complete. To that end a thought enters my mind – If a commanding officer is disowned by his command, does he hold rank? Can a Talon lord be truly considered so with no Talon at his command, to say nothing of their rejection of his fitness and capacity to command? I know in my heart this is sophistry in truth, but the notion continues to plague me.

This gnawing sensation is perhaps what draws me to my second concern.

It begins to occur to me that I am moving away from the concepts appropriate to an upright soldier. In most candid truth I must confess that I no longer think in that manner, and my decisions as a commander are reflecting that position. It is true that this commission has been predicated on the use of forces that are unsuited to the task in an upright mindset. To pit a Talon against forces that amount to almost 3 dragons would be considered lunacy in most situations, Karal was clearly indignant at the suggestion that we required little to no support to accomplish this mission, but I find myself increasingly worried that the massed forces I command represent only a threat to the completion of this mission. She thought me a fool for throwing too little into this fight, I fear I am a fool for committing too much when my circlemates and I could have made for an easier option.

Is that pride speaking, my own hubris, or pragmatism in the face of overwhelming new power.

Should I no longer consider myself upright? The thousand actions tell us that the path of the Warrior is the purview of the Anathema, but is it their domain alone? Is the revelation of the unconquered sun a call to personal glory or a gift to be tempered with the discipline the dragons have gifted in their elemental wisdom?

My doubts will go unanswered I fear. All I know in truth is that I have stood in rank and file during my younger days, even before Iairos was born I knew the terror of being an upright soldier amongst a legion. I was unacknowledged and nameless, but I was content. I wonder if Hitori Danshin is the name of my worst enemy, for after his name was first spoken my fate may as well have been sealed. Recognition and the familiar acquaintance of my superiors gave me a desire for more, if truth is to be told. A single wink from Tien Yu faded into a longing in my heart that is far more insidious than any tawdry desire the rumour-mill of the seventh legion could imply.

Every encounter with the enemy is a chance to be known. I could easily become a nightmare stalking the east and revel in the glorious fears I see reflected in the eyes of my victims.

Is Hitori Danshin my true foe? Is he the Anathema I could become or a deflection, a mask to hide behind that I might remain upright.

I wish I could actually speak to you thus.

I wish I had true council on which to draw, but for now this will have to make do.

Perhaps my true wish is that Hesiesh could burn away my doubts as easily as these letters."